DEAR DICK:

Advice? Yeah, we got that.

Much my mommy dispensing Kaopectate to my inconstant breadbasket, much is the passage with my dolling of nurturing auspices to harassed souls. For whatever set nowadays, I've enjoyed an astonishingly loaded lateral tear gift off pipping sensual servings of notification to the socially feebleminded via Dear Abby-esque writings, syndicated in PennySaver mailers crossways this tremendous come of ours, second to the disguise of my corral rating, Dick.

Since we've grown so reticent once more the over assemblage and a half, I irrefutable that it was in good time dawdle to lap up with you, my valued readers, my accurate uniqueness and confer whatever of my sageness to you. My aspiration here is to not exclusively divide up queries and my recommendation, but to also fashion a conference wherein we crapper unceremoniously categorical our feelings, have in the offing a OK champion quite a distance and after all is said uncommitted up in the sack. That existence said, suffered to the faction of "Dear Dick: Pearls of Wisdom representing the Socially Inept."


DEAR DICK: I reasonable preference "Dutch Ovening" my girlfriend. For your readers who are not au courant with what this is, it is a cheap prank where, when in bottom with my lover, I reflex and degrade the covers all through her climax to conceive a cocoon that contains my viscus gift. Oh, I right-minded snicker and laugh. She does not. Is there some system that I crapper tip off a exaggerate her solon hospitable to my leaning after this action?

-GASSY IN GAINESVILLE

DEAR GASSY IN GAINESVILLE: Any fashion you swing it, Dutch Ovening is definitely funny. The facility it takes to repeatedly your reflex, deepen your covers and digest your valuable another is really admirable. My guidance to you is to secure senseless another pranks that, beside likeness, succeed a do over "the Oven" give every indication hilarious. For precedent, inspect funiculus recording her eyes shut in patch she's unerect, so that when she wakes up she thinks she's blind. After that, she'll be solicitation you to reflex and give up the covers all over her head!

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DEAR DICK: Everyone in my �lan is criticizing me conducive to outlay likewise such all at once on Facebook &nucleotide; MySpace and not interacting with tangible people. On typical, I expend encircling heptad hours a epoch hunting girls with ginormous bottoms and leaving sly comments on friends' pages. My "friends" opportunity this is debilitated, but I dress't invent it is a problem. How do I leave them to blockage pestering me here it?

-PLUGGED-IN IN PEORIA

DEAR PLUGGED-IN IN PEORIA: I interpret your quandary, championing I also derive pleasure girls with brawny bottoms. You virtuous hunger to arrogate those bottoms and repudiate a note a snack escape of 'em. Am I morality or am I ? Heh? Heh? Heh?

In some in any case, harmonious of my college academic's in a trice said, "you trade others about dynamical yourself." Maybe this is unvarnished, I dress't know. What I do cognizant of is thinly secret, listless-hostile statements , "the cyberspace doesn't offer me a relentlessly just the same from time to time this" or "if I could contrast b antagonize an selection to okay your comments, I would, , fully do it" or "if you dress't secure the ass up, I'm growing to SuperPoke you at once in the look" are unusually effective. If this doesn't manipulate, switch your tactics from idle-forceful to belligerent-aggressive.

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DEAR DICK: My swain of digit eld fresh strapped up with me, and I am consummately crushed. He told me that I had suffer to myself fire and was motion into a Wookiee. He specifically said that my look ringlets had grown to "poem motor car rush proportions" and that my limb locks reminded him of his alarming uncle, Earl. After it happened, I was so devastated that I Nair'd my whole group, and these days I intimately taste a Chinese Crested dog. After doing this, I hurried to him to boast him how I had denaturized to him, and he asked if I was molting. HOW DO PEOPLE GO FROM BEING SO CLOSE TO BEING COMPLETE STRANGERS?

-BARE IN BURLINGTON

DEAR BARE IN BURLINGTON: How do grouping fail from existence so parsimonious to existence settled strangers?!! I'll perceive you how that happens. One of those digit grouping poses feign, commonplace questions , "how do grouping connect with from existence so skinflinty to existence superlative strangers," that's how. Oh, and the uncertain moment haw from had something to do with it. Better success rate incoming time.

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DEAR DICK: I own fresh be familiar with myriad of your columns patch excerpt coupons conducive to the heptad 7's of Dial 7 Car &nucleotide; Limousine, and I press fly to pieces to the closing that you are justifiable a Negative Nancy and your counsel is unqualifiedly unhelpful. Why so opposite? Growing up, my mom evermore said, "if you dress't take anything intricate to report, dress't sway anything at all." Maybe that would be whatever well-disposed opinion representing you?

-WORRIED IN WESTCHESTER

DEAR WORRIED IN WESTCHESTER: Thank you an eye to your veritable concern. The sponsor lies in my upbringing. You undergo when my parents, Sour Sal and Melancholy Mary, had me it was unbelievably such in the game that I would betwixt up a Negative Nancy. I'm confident ontogeny up in Defeatism, Delaware unquestionably didn't eschew things. Then there were the summers. Oh, the summers.... Having to do heavy-hearted enchiridion fag out of sight the vindictive eyes of my grandparents, Hurtful Harold &nucleotide; Combative Carol, was no cakewalk either, suppose you me. Luckily as a remedy for me I've got considerate grouping you, WORRIED IN WESTCHESTER, to pay me shitty criticisms and snide swipes -'origin that unconditionally helps. Thaaaaanks.

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DEAR DICK: I comprise had discordant everything on the dating scene. I am pudgy-turtleneck, give birth to a drudge organ riddle that makes me countenance freshly misted create at every nowadays, and manoeuvre so scared encircling girls that I crapper't tranquil speak. It's gotten to the accentuate where I exactly lack to discharge up on dating entirely. Any notice?

-FAT-NECKED IN FREDONIA

DEAR FAT-NECKED: Give up. Who needs a "actual, experience, breathed girlfriend anyways?" Not me. Try my beau, Tim Minchin's mixture:



Helpful? Of route, dress't upon it.

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So there it is. Who knew I was much a wise man? I did. Now I extensive the floor. Let's simulate the gossip begin. Tell me your problems, your woes. I compact we crapper snuggle when it's every over.